Yesterday... I played for a muse. Maybe it doesn't look like much, but it's really an impressive thing for me. First, because it was the first time I was given the opportunity to play a composition of mine to the girl who inspired it. Then, it's important to me because it's all I could do to at least TRY to challenge the beauty that lives inside this friend of mine, who had the authenticity to make me feel a peculiar way... and that peculiar way ended up in Danse Elfique (Elvish Dance), one of the hardest piece I ever wrote. The point is, when you see life as a long battle, where the objective is to be/make the beautifulest thing possible, you feel quite disappointed to see all your efforts beat down by the mere sight of a girl whose beauty overruns your very imagination. And I'm not only talking about aesthetic beauty... This friend of mine is a beautiful person to the very core of her being, which makes that whenever she smiles or laughs, or walks, or dances, or plays shy, or acts like a child, she surpasses my imagination a way I couldn't believe possible.

Yet, I DID NOT commit suicide, I did not surrender, even though it's not the first time I see a person beautiful enough to make me feel that way... Instead of surrendering, I did put the effort to create a piece for classical guitar, composing it the best I fucking could, and I practiced it like a retard, often having sore hands after due to the omnipresent ''barré'' technique, and the extensions it requires, splitting my brains and my hands in two to play the polyrhythmic, with two, even three dissociate rhythms until it sounds the way I want it to. Then, I told that friend of mine I had something to say : she sat comfortably on my bed... and I played, giving all I had to stay precise and lyrical and poetic even though I DID mess up some parts, but who cared, I had something to say. There was that thing in my belly shaking, demanding to come out, and it made my fingers shake, and I played on the tip of the toe, because the little pedal to lift my left leg was too low, and I NEEDED to be close to my beloved guitar to play this correctly, to be one with it, so it can sing as I would sing it, only more just. So with a shaking leg and a heart beating to the flamenco rhythm, I finally entered the climactic phase of my piece, fanning out each of my finger a rapid way in a complex ostinato, using a melody played by the top note of the chord. My head was banging, my body was waving, my back was crooked like the one of an old man, at same relaxed and active. Then came the part where I was slapping my strings, hitting on the harmony table with my hand to entwine another rhythm in the second ostinato, still using some flamenco techniques until the end, where I couldn't play louder. The guitar was trembling in my hands just like I was until the final blow, when I almost threw the instrument to my right hand, to free myself of that burning of beauty, for it was what I believe is beautiful, it was the best I could do...

I put back the guitar on her shelf, almost huffing as if I had just ran 200 meters, and I told my friend I could use a hug at that very moment, I let her see my fingers shaking and my somehow shy smile. Then we cuddled a little and I said : ''Thank you...'' Confused, she answered : ''Why... thank YOU !
- I mean, thank you for being what you are !
- No, thank you for writing me a song !
- But you inspired it...''

And the thing is... that it still remains... I still didn't vanquish her beauty... I didn't succeed, at least, I believe, at winning the battle against her beauty. I couldn't do better. I took all I could from the energy her beauty gave me, and even with all that, with the maximum of my expressiveness and the uppermost of my virtuosity, I still couldn't create something as beautiful as she is... and as many women I met during my life are...

Disappointing isn't it ? But to keep on trying is the only thing I can do. Otherwise I should freakin die. This is my reason to live, and I tried it, and I failed, and I will do it again and I will keep on trying. For the simple reason even though it's not a better thing than HER, it's still the best I can do. I can die a proud man. I gave it all.

You'll soon be able to listen to that piece on Youtube.
Have a nice evening !